 Tuscaloosa, AL - Pastor Jim Smith, lead elder at Creekside Presbyterian, was a little confused when all of the men in his congregation arrived unshaven this past Sunday.
“It took me a while to figure out why all of the brethren had unkempt faces,” stated Pastor Smith. “Normally, our sanctuary is filled with smooth chins and the overpowering aroma of Aqua Velva. Today, I noticed whiskers and the distinct scent of potpourri.” The mixup began when the Creekside Presbyterian bulletins were printed last week. Pastor Smith previewed his next sermon, titled “Once Saved, Always Saved,” but Bernice Adams, 93 year-old church administrator, inexplicably placed an “h” in the word “saved” and a new trend was created. Josiah Blevins, faithful congregant, quickly followed the instructions of his overseer and promptly threw all his razors in the trash. “Apparently, once I made the initial decision to shave my face I never needed to do any work after that! Not that the initial decision was mine anyway. Sola Beardbalma!” Participants in Leading Ladies, Creekside’s female Bible study, felt vindicated for a practice they implemented years ago. “It’s nice to be ahead of the curve for once,” remarked Genie Matthews, homemaker. “Maybe it won’t be long till us women can sing during the praise portion of service!” At publishing time, Josiah had begun handcrafting his own IPA after Pastor Smith failed to adequately exposit the text of Ecclesiastes 2:24. *This article was originally published in 2014.
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 Boston, MA - Revolve Church’s Lights & Liberty Fourth of July celebration provided a great opportunity for parishioners to rejoice over the freedom given them by the American Revolution.
“Did God really say they had to submit to King George’s authority? I mean, those insurrectionists understood that Romans 13:1 was written over 1,600 years ago,” remarked Claire Meadows, local resident. “Paul is great, but he had no idea what it was like to live under the rule of an evil governmental leader." Benjamin Grouse, hot beverage enthusiast, stated, “Those tea drinkers were justified in dumping their tea in the harbor. Why should they have to pay taxes to anyone if they believe they are too high? Jesus was just being sarcastic when he mentioned taxes and Caesar. Even if those American patriots bent the rules, the ends justify the means, right?” At publishing time, Revolve was planning on ignoring 1 Timothy 3:2 and installing a female pastor. |
