 Mt. Carmel, Israel - “I never could have persuaded those prophets of Baal with the wrath of God, not in these modern times. They needed to see that I can relate to them on a personal level, you know, build a relationship,” remarked Elijah, prophet of God. “It’s helpful if those who are desperately committed to the Adversary have a chance to learn about my lived experience.”
A few of the prophets left without converting to Judaism. Elijah, however, felt good that they had met and seen how Israelites worship. Not to mention that he now had access to their contact information. “This is all about breaking down barriers. I will try to follow-up with them this week. I bet even Ahab will change his ways if he just hears a little good news.” On a related note, several of the prophets who did not submit to YHWH said they would have done so if Elijah’s microphone feedback had not been so distracting.
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U. S. Army Rescinds "Battle of the Bulge" Book Endorsement After Learning It Is About WWII5/22/2023  Washington, D. C. - The United States Army found itself in an uncomfortable position this week when it had to backtrack on the promotion of a new book.
This comes on the heels of numerous measures taken by the military to respect transgender rights. “We have been working really hard to be forward-conscious in our thinking when it comes to all aspects of our soldiers’ lives,” stated Lt. Daniels, Army spokesperson. “We thought the title of that new book was a nod to inclusive clothing for all genders. Unfortunately, it was just about some guys who did some war stuff a long time ago.” Lt. Daniels hopes that the book confusion will shed light on the bigger issue. The real battle is the inward battle for his soldiers. Scratch that - her soldiers. Hold on a sec - the soldiers represented by the spokesperson. At publishing time, the Army is reportedly in talks with Target to create a line of camo chest binders for prepubescent children.  Mobile, AL - Bread of Life Holiness Church had a difficult few days last week thanks to content posted on social media. Images emerged of Jackie Wills, 45, lying prone at the altar draped with a men’s oversized knit bomber jacket. Not one inch of her ankle-length skirt was visible in the scandalous posts.
Ricky Hedges, first-year altar attendant, had quickly tossed his coat in her direction when he looked down and noticed BTC skin. *BTC is the acronym Bread of Life uses to refer to any skin located below the clavicle. One local civil liberties organization - LGBTQ+[% For The Nations - conducted a press conference to applaud the church after the image went viral. Press Secretary Ruby, her/them, stated in a deep voice, “What a wonderful day when houses of worship allow congregants to wear clothing that reflects who they are on the inside. Maybe this will finally be a bridge to - ah, wait - gotta run. I was due at the library 10 minutes ago. We can talk more about this later! Now, where did I put my boa?” Apostle Willard, lead minister at Bread of Life, spent the better part of Monday trying to explain the situation to angry church elders, but to no avail. “The elders think I have gone woke, but they don’t understand that modesty cloths have been backordered for months. This is almost as frustrating as the time I suggested makeup for the worship team might do wonders for the livestream. The elders almost ran me out of town for that one.” In a procedural update, altar attendants at Bread of Life have now been instructed to cover any exposed skin with gender-neutral prayer shawls until the modesty cloths arrive. ***At publishing time, photos had surfaced of Bertha Jennings out cold in the front row, but it could not be determined if the clothing she was wearing differed from her usual Sunday attire.***  Portland, OR - After numerous requests by members of the Apostolic Faith Church, the prolific songwriter finally penned “Good Good Jesus”.
“This new version is the only correct way to praise Jesus,” remarked Apostle Meadows, a leader in the apostolic community. “Additionally, we approve of Mr. Tomlin on a personal level; it is common knowledge he keeps his hair above his ears and smiles less frequently than the average person. However, we hope he will repent for the unforgivable sin of writing “God’s Great Dance Floor”’. Tomlin explained his decision to rewrite the song in an interview with popular apostolic influencer C. B. Wakes. Transcript of the audio is provided below: Wakes: “Many of your fans are dying to know why you would take time to rework a modern classic.” Tomlin: “It’s who I am.” Wakes: “Well that about wraps up this- oh wait- yes, Chris, you have more to add?” Tomlin: “It’s who I am.” Wakes: “Umm, alright. So, thank you for joining us-” Tomlin: “It’s who I am.” Wakes: “Wow, three different statements, but one message. I think he’s one of us, folks!” Tomlin’s record label was quick to squash rumors that a live recording of the song may be in the works. They pointed curious fans to his website bio that explicitly mentions his unholy fear of snakes.  Irondale, AL - Since news broke that TBN is in the process of creating a game show [see previous post], Eternal Word Television Network has also been workshopping a new competition-based show called Purge-atory.
After being placed in an escape room, contestants will not be allowed to leave until all the junk has been cleaned out. In an interesting twist, viewers at home have the option to call in extra favors for the contestants (the price for the favors is still being determined). Initial plans required participants to compete in a game of limbo before entering the escape room, but that requirement is now optional. “I may indulge myself and tune in,” said Elizabeth Black, lifelong Catholic. “Funny, though, I have looked everywhere, but cannot find any information about the show. But I know it must exist since I hear it talked about frequently. If it turns out to be boring I can always watch their other shows. My girlfriends have been hooked on that reality show about unfiltered nun life: Bad Habits.” Closed captioning will be available for anyone who does not speak Latin.  Tustin, CA - Trinity Broadcasting Network is looking to expand its programming to include entertainment options next season. A new game show hour will allow guests to receive whatever prize they want provided they have enough faith to claim it.
Spokesperson Matthew Hunch released a statement to the media about the new era of entertainment television. “In the past, we relied on flashy lights, shimmering outfits, and prosperity to attract the world to TBN. That model worked, but why not take those elements and turn it into its own show?” Mr. Hunch also indicated additional programming will be added if the new show draws a large audience. Sources close to the show have leaked details that the new content will include an interactive fitness hour called Health and Wealth. “Name It & Claim It” will provide opportunities for winning new vehicles, job promotions, and fewer family disagreements. Participants who fail to claim their prize will be publicly shunned by the host and audience members. They will also be encouraged to move to the back of the auditorium until a special guest host can provide them with a second chance. It is being reported, however, that the release date has been pushed back due to a staffing shortage. It turns out the show has struggled to hire new employees since the company does not provide time off for sick days. |
