 Pride gets one month a year for recognition, but everyone knows it should really last all summer. The following list includes insensitive actions that may trigger those individuals who support Pride Month. Educate yourself and let the spirit of pride convict you of your poor thoughts and behaviors.
1. Refuse to shop at Target.
Now you are all set to avoid the ten offensive behaviors listed above. Remember, the LGBTQ&* community is extremely oppressed and receives virtually no recognition. You owe it to them to not be offensive. Do better.
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 San Francisco, CA - Behind the glitzy parades and family-friendly nude twerking, a new trend has emerged during the month of June. Civil rights activists have noted what they call a “glaring absence” in representation of flags that identify as any shape other than a rectangle.
“The patriarchy loves making us think that the only appropriate shape for a flag is rectangular,” remarked Professor Jennifer Marks (it/textbook). “All shapes should have the opportunity to represent the trans flag. For far too long every other shape has been marginalized and deemed unworthy to contain the trans image. And lesbian image. And gay image. And bisexual image. And…” (At the publishing of this article it was still listing various groups.) Local seamstress Blanche Malone encouraged everyone to bring in their existing trans flags for top, bottom, and/or middle alterations. “I will nip and tuck the flag into any shape you want. It will cost about $80,000, but you cannot put a price tag on true expression. The procedure is available for all ages of flag, but I have noticed an increase in demand for changes to young flags. Doesn’t make any difference to me; I ask as few questions as possible.” In a related note, Matt Hines, husband and father of four, was immediately fired from his job and canceled from multiple social media platforms for suggesting that the shape of a rectangle is typically used for flags so the entire image can be seen when the wind blows.  Clarksville, TN - The Holy Spirit could not be contained after a rendition of “Father Abraham” was sung by those in attendance at a local kids camp this past week.
Pastor Nacho Spurgeon, whose devotion to secular music was on full display after admitting he had never heard the song, quickly repented after hearing it. “It was amazing to watch as the entire room responded to the move of the Spirit. Did not see that one coming.” He reported that something started to stir when everyone was compelled to move their right arms out in unison. Then, the synchronized urge moved to the left arms. Before anyone could articulate the phenomenon, people were moving legs and chins and spinning around. The pattern continued for a considerable amount of time until abruptly ending when everyone sat down on the ground. At publishing time, parents reported that students were confused how a 33 year-old female worship leader could be a son of Abraham.  Redwood City, CA - With the merger of the PGA Tour and LIV Golf, EA Sports has updated its popular golf video game to give fans something exciting.
The new version will replace the year-end FedEx Cup Playoffs with what is being called The Players’ Pilgrimage, a competitive points race that will separate the strong from the weak. Many gamers will also be pleased with an added difficulty level known as “Submission”. This will force players to focus intently while a call to prayer is blasted from a nearby loudspeaker. Additionally, players can increase health status by redeeming points at the Sheik Shack. At publishing time, tour officials were seeking to be more progressive by allowing gamers to create female avatars. They were quick to note, however, that the females will not be permitted to drive golf carts. 1. There is only one flavor of coffee.
- "If there was ever a time to not be mission-minded..." 2. Tissues in the sanctuary contain lotion. - "Nothing like greasing my palms before a handshake." 3. There were three seconds of dead air between the third song and the greet your neighbor portion of service. - "So unprepared." 4. Your church has a greet your neighbor portion of service. - "Scheduled spontaneity." 5. Someone sat in your seat. - "Know your place, newbies." 6. The pastor has not personally invited you to dinner. - "Jerk." 7. You have not been asked to lead a ministry. - "No one appreciates my calling." 8. The sound guy does not graciously accept the insights you provide. - "This doesn't sound as good as the time I saw Kenny Chesney at Neyland Stadium." 9. The preacher tells you how to act outside the walls of the church. - "I should leave encouraged, not convicted." 1o. Kids are expected to receive the majority of Biblical instruction from you, their parent. - "I'm too busy." ***If you have experienced any of these offenses it is past time for you to switch churches. If they don't get you - they don't get you! |
