Church Sees 853% Increase in Attendance After Digital Sign Installed

Madisonville, KY - New Wine Church jumped head-first into secular relevancy this week when it installed a digital sign next to the main road.

“We felt led to make this purchase to win the world for the gospel,” stated Brother Hendricks, pastor.  “All the reputable businesses in town have nice signage.  What better way to attract new people to our church than to show them that we know how to imitate the world!  Now they’ll know we are modern.”

Shirley Mendon, local businesswoman, echoed the sentiment of Brother Hendricks.  "That sign has been a life changer.  On the off-chance that my phone, car dashboard, and watch simultaneously fritz out, I know I can drive by that sign to check the weather outlook and time of day.”

Billy, an unregenerate sinner, walked in the doors of New Wine the first Sunday after the sign was installed.  “I would never have attended church if I had been personally invited, but I could not resist the invitation of an inanimate sign.  I figure that if the signage is that pleasing to the eye then their messages must be pleasing to the ear.  Count me in!”

The outside improvements are also shaking things up inside the four walls of the church.  “We’ll do whatever it takes to appeal to unbelievers," said Brother Hendricks.  "The most important thing is that they get in here and that they feel welcome.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to google relatable stories for our “Judge Not” sermon series.”  

At publishing time, Brother Hendricks was spotted at the Madisonville mall looking for the perfect pair of skinny jeans.     


This is a developing story.  Please check back for updates.

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