 Grand Rapids, MI - Local Husband Ben Trusk was distraught after his sacrificial act of love was seen as something commonplace to his wife of 8 years, Shelly.
“It just doesn’t make sense,” complained Ben. “I communicated. I asked questions about the mounties and got tissues for Shelly when Abigail was struggling to fully support the cafe. When Jack and Elizabeth argued outside the mercantile I gently tapped my wife’s hand. I even wore my good joggers and the hoodie that only has one hole in the sleeve. How is that not thoughtful?” “He just doesn’t get it - we need a “date” date,” remarked Shelly. You know, the kind where we go to a public place so we can discuss our most intimate thoughts.” At publishing time, Ben was trying to choose a place for them to eat without making it seem like he made the decision himself.
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 Attending a women’s conference can be intimidating. What to wear, who to invite, how much food from that bougie catering service you can consume without condemnation. Those variables may be difficult to control, but the one thing you can control is your tongue. Consider implementing the phrases below to ensure you are accepted as a strong Christian woman who is in the know.
Alright, ladies. You are now ready to step out in faith and walk in the blessings that are waiting for you. Can we just take a moment and reflect on how great your life will be with these words at your disposal? Work these phrases into your conference conversations and you will have plenty of reasons to live, to laugh, & to love. Full stop.  Chicago, IL - Little TULIPS Childcare, LLC, dealt with an unexpected controversy on Thursday when it was discovered they have been offering preschoolers 25 minutes of free time on a daily basis.
Mark Sandoval, 5-point Calvinist and father of 2, remarked, “Children should not be allowed to choose how they spend their time. As their loving father I have to make sure they do not deviate from the plans I have for them.” “I’ll be honest, I am having a tough time knowing how to handle discipline after the complaints,” stated Deborah Stills, childcare instructor (PK-Group A). “Tommy Sandoval bludgeoned Avery with the tweezers from Operation last Tuesday, but his dad assured me that he was just doing what he had been raised to do. So, no blame to be had, I guess. His other child, Claire, is an angel. He said he raised her to show kindness to others, but Tommy was raised to beat them to death.” On a related note, teachers will no longer be sending home progress reports since there is no progress to be made.  Birmingham, AL - Gary Simmons quickly had a table to himself after inquiring about Impossible Sausage alternatives to go with his soy latte.
“I hate to be difficult, but I try to be conscientious about everything I eat,” stated Simmons. “What kind of person would I be if I just ate the food without knowing where it originated? Also, I can’t seem to find a recycling bin for my plate.” Scooter Daniels, grill master, was in no mood to entertain such notions. “These get-togethers are time for us to act like men. Period. This is our chance to discuss mowing stripes, fishing techniques, and the next golf scramble. Oh, and listen intently to a 7-minute devotion from The Sportsman’s Bible. Not to mention consume inordinate amounts of pork. No one has the right to take this away from us, especially not a new person." At publishing time, the deacons were scrambling to find a welcome basket that did not include a leather bound Bible.  Tuscaloosa, AL - Pastor Jim Smith, lead elder at Creekside Presbyterian, was a little confused when all of the men in his congregation arrived unshaven this past Sunday.
“It took me a while to figure out why all of the brethren had unkempt faces,” stated Pastor Smith. “Normally, our sanctuary is filled with smooth chins and the overpowering aroma of Aqua Velva. Today, I noticed whiskers and the distinct scent of potpourri.” The mixup began when the Creekside Presbyterian bulletins were printed last week. Pastor Smith previewed his next sermon, titled “Once Saved, Always Saved,” but Bernice Adams, 93 year-old church administrator, inexplicably placed an “h” in the word “saved” and a new trend was created. Josiah Blevins, faithful congregant, quickly followed the instructions of his overseer and promptly threw all his razors in the trash. “Apparently, once I made the initial decision to shave my face I never needed to do any work after that! Not that the initial decision was mine anyway. Sola Beardbalma!” Participants in Leading Ladies, Creekside’s female Bible study, felt vindicated for a practice they implemented years ago. “It’s nice to be ahead of the curve for once,” remarked Genie Matthews, homemaker. “Maybe it won’t be long till us women can sing during the praise portion of service!” At publishing time, Josiah had begun handcrafting his own IPA after Pastor Smith failed to adequately exposit the text of Ecclesiastes 2:24. *This article was originally published in 2014.  Boston, MA - Revolve Church’s Lights & Liberty Fourth of July celebration provided a great opportunity for parishioners to rejoice over the freedom given them by the American Revolution.
“Did God really say they had to submit to King George’s authority? I mean, those insurrectionists understood that Romans 13:1 was written over 1,600 years ago,” remarked Claire Meadows, local resident. “Paul is great, but he had no idea what it was like to live under the rule of an evil governmental leader." Benjamin Grouse, hot beverage enthusiast, stated, “Those tea drinkers were justified in dumping their tea in the harbor. Why should they have to pay taxes to anyone if they believe they are too high? Jesus was just being sarcastic when he mentioned taxes and Caesar. Even if those American patriots bent the rules, the ends justify the means, right?” At publishing time, Revolve was planning on ignoring 1 Timothy 3:2 and installing a female pastor.  Pride gets one month a year for recognition, but everyone knows it should really last all summer. The following list includes insensitive actions that may trigger those individuals who support Pride Month. Educate yourself and let the spirit of pride convict you of your poor thoughts and behaviors.
1. Refuse to shop at Target.
Now you are all set to avoid the ten offensive behaviors listed above. Remember, the LGBTQ&* community is extremely oppressed and receives virtually no recognition. You owe it to them to not be offensive. Do better.  San Francisco, CA - Behind the glitzy parades and family-friendly nude twerking, a new trend has emerged during the month of June. Civil rights activists have noted what they call a “glaring absence” in representation of flags that identify as any shape other than a rectangle.
“The patriarchy loves making us think that the only appropriate shape for a flag is rectangular,” remarked Professor Jennifer Marks (it/textbook). “All shapes should have the opportunity to represent the trans flag. For far too long every other shape has been marginalized and deemed unworthy to contain the trans image. And lesbian image. And gay image. And bisexual image. And…” (At the publishing of this article it was still listing various groups.) Local seamstress Blanche Malone encouraged everyone to bring in their existing trans flags for top, bottom, and/or middle alterations. “I will nip and tuck the flag into any shape you want. It will cost about $80,000, but you cannot put a price tag on true expression. The procedure is available for all ages of flag, but I have noticed an increase in demand for changes to young flags. Doesn’t make any difference to me; I ask as few questions as possible.” In a related note, Matt Hines, husband and father of four, was immediately fired from his job and canceled from multiple social media platforms for suggesting that the shape of a rectangle is typically used for flags so the entire image can be seen when the wind blows.  Clarksville, TN - The Holy Spirit could not be contained after a rendition of “Father Abraham” was sung by those in attendance at a local kids camp this past week.
Pastor Nacho Spurgeon, whose devotion to secular music was on full display after admitting he had never heard the song, quickly repented after hearing it. “It was amazing to watch as the entire room responded to the move of the Spirit. Did not see that one coming.” He reported that something started to stir when everyone was compelled to move their right arms out in unison. Then, the synchronized urge moved to the left arms. Before anyone could articulate the phenomenon, people were moving legs and chins and spinning around. The pattern continued for a considerable amount of time until abruptly ending when everyone sat down on the ground. At publishing time, parents reported that students were confused how a 33 year-old female worship leader could be a son of Abraham.  Redwood City, CA - With the merger of the PGA Tour and LIV Golf, EA Sports has updated its popular golf video game to give fans something exciting.
The new version will replace the year-end FedEx Cup Playoffs with what is being called The Players’ Pilgrimage, a competitive points race that will separate the strong from the weak. Many gamers will also be pleased with an added difficulty level known as “Submission”. This will force players to focus intently while a call to prayer is blasted from a nearby loudspeaker. Additionally, players can increase health status by redeeming points at the Sheik Shack. At publishing time, tour officials were seeking to be more progressive by allowing gamers to create female avatars. They were quick to note, however, that the females will not be permitted to drive golf carts. |
